Near-death experience

22 04 2008

Have you ever thought of ending your life all of a sudden?

Somehow I believe I could do a lot of things in life, for example, I could actually contribute to society with my knowledge. I have thougt of my vision in life. I have reflected on my goals, that I have a dream to be a famous politican who have the power to enact effective policies to the citizens. I have thought of being a journalist, writing and expressing my thoughts; I have thought of being a researcher in political communication, that’s what I’m currently doing.

I love writing, I have been loving it. I have regretted myself for not even publish a novel since I made a promise when I was secondary four student. Writing a book is not easy. Probably, I am considering to write a book this summer, seriously. Publishing an article, or simply conducting research and publish all of my findings. However, I prefer analyzing some current events. I see there’s something missing in a bookstore. There’s not even a book commenting on hong kong current affairs in english. Hong Kong people seldom read and write. Oh well, probably the year ahead is going to be a break for me – writing, part-time job – learning languages like french and arabic. I wanna learn dance too.

After all, life is short. I miss the Tunisian sunrise. I know that one day I will have another chance to see it again. I want a perfect life. I want a step closer to God, to the peace of mind, to the ultimate goal of living. In Hong Kong, people are way too realistic or materialistic in the sense that they lack concern to the living of minorities. I’m going to strive further on my goals. I want things like that instead.

It’s not easy to die, not easy to live. It’s not easy to pick up my energy and work on papers again. Simply, I demand myself too much. This is one of the reasons. I give myself toooo much pressure that I almost suffocated. I wanna learn lots of english words. I wanna do a lot of things. I wanna come up with realistic findings. Oh shit. I just hate it. Hate myself being a perfectionist. Thanks my friend Michael reminding me this weakness. I sort of regain my energy to finish my thesis. Though I still have no idea whether the department still counts on it or not, the most important is the process, I learnt sooo much working independently. For whatever reasons, I need to prepare myself for the worse situation. I know I have missed a lot of things in the past few months. I have skipped some classes, being so lazy. It’s probably my time to compensate. I don’t care, it’s an extension of learning. We are here doing life-long learning. I’m totally prepared for it.

Right now, I’m going to finish my thesis til 6pm. Then I will go to copyshop for binding and dinner! I can’t let myself working on this toooo long!

In fact, I have thought of dying, honestly. I have considered lots of ways. Taking lots of pills, jumping off the window, suffocate myself in the bathroom. But neither way works on me.

I’m dying here now. I’m waiting for my final product.
Stay tuned!


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